i just want to give up so badly.
so many things are going against me.
so many people are expecting me to fail, that it would be so easy to give up.
i cant, but i really want to.
i wish i could. i wish this was something stupid, but its not. it's my life.

you're right.
you're all right.
im not trying. i havent been trying at all.
at least i can admit it, right? admittance is the first step? or something?
it's because i dont WANT to try.
i dont see the poooiinntttt.
its all so stupid.
i hate everything.
fasjdflkjfdslfajdklaf
S d[pj;hga;sda
i cant handle all of these things inside me much longer.
im going to crack.

most of the time im just sitting, wondering how im so lucky to have such amazing friends.
like, what do they see in me that's so great that they keep sticking around?
sometimes i can see part of myself that i would be friends with, part of myself where it makes sense that i have a bunch of friends.
but other times i have no idea why i have friends.
other times im annoying, talk too much, am too stupid, too dependent, too independent, have too many mood swings, and i just really dont know why my friends stick around.
but whatever it is, im so glad for it.
im so glad that i have such great friends.
they save me every day.
its so insane how the smallest thing that they say can make my day.
<3

it's like as soon as i step in the door i loose all of my motivation, all of my drive to do anything.
this house is suffocating me.
or maybe i just want to make myself believe that.

i really cant tell if im just lazy, or if im afraid of failing.
i wish i could motivate myself to try so i could figure it out.
but i just keep running into excuses.
homecoming weekend, cramps, other homework that i know i can do, cleaning, just wasnt in the mood.
i hate myself for it, but obviously not enough to change it.

im just waiting for that moment where everything comes back into focus. not even "back" into focus, into focus in the first place.

i dont know where i went wrong.

the worst part of my homecoming experience this year is that all ive wanted is a butterflies in my stomache feeling. for the longest time.
and i had it, but after last night, it's gone. because ive realized how wrong we would be together.
he's such a free spirit. he's not boyfriend material, really. for someone like me anyway.
im too jealous, and he has too many friends.
it just wouldnt work.
and outwardly, im ok with that.
im fine because it wouldnt work, and i wouldnt want to go on thinking that it could.
but inwardly, it sucks. i want that feeling back.
i want someone on my mind. i want someone to focus on.
i dont know,
i want to feel like a middle schooler again.

ugh.

i think that if there was any way that i could support myself, i would drop-out of school right now.
this is not pleasant.
the only thing making me want to try at ALL is that Mr. Lefstad talked to me today.
"i dont know that i know."
i dont understand how he even remembers me.
and it kinda creeps me out that him and Mrs. Kreiger talk about me.
but at least i know that someone cares.
i wish i could stop crying. everytime something gets even a little hard, i tear up.
i hate it. it makes me feel like a loose cannon or something.
it makes me feel like people think im crazy. because it's not that big of a deal.
but my brain makes it a big deal. so i get over whelmed, phsyche myself out, and start crying.
i cant help it. im just an easy crier. :/
i dont know what to do to make it stop.
because im starting to realize that i care.
it matters this year.
i only have one year left. there's no more room for screwing up.
and i do NOT want to be back next year.
i wont. i cant. i..
oh my god.
im starting to understand what my mom meant by "focusing on graduating."
i might not graduate.
i could easily not graduate this year.
im ALREADY behind in most of my classes.
not even a month and im behind.
ajhsd
i dont know what to doooo.
i keep getting like this.
three years and i havent figure out how to make it stop. how to turn myself around.
i dont know what's going on. with me. with anything.
i dont know what happened to me. i used to care.
i used to be a good student. i used to not even have to try.
i never thought about not doing my homework.
ever.
i dont know where that went.

i went through all of this shit to get music theory, and now i dont know if i want it.
im seriously considering dropping it.
that would get rid of two classes that are making me insane.
i dont know what to do.
im just a big ball of "idk."

i wish i didnt rely on people so much.
because right now all i want is for someone to tell me it's going to be okay, and they believe in me.
and that person is brandon, honestly.
but he didnt like the idea of me taking ap lit in the first place. so i feel shitty going to him for advice/reassurance, because he DOESNT believe in me.
and i dont blame him. i dont believe in myself, so why should i expect other people to believe in me?
i dont understand how one boy can affect me so much.
he doesnt even know it. i dont know if he realizes how much everything i do relies on him. i would honestly do anything for him.


i dont think this school thing is for me, maybe.
i dont care about any of it. there's just no motivation in any of it.
i care about music stops the misery, and music in general, and theory and choir isnt doing much for me. it's not helping with anything. they're talking about classical and jazz, and im talking about shitty underground pop/punk bands. THAT's where my passion is. the kids that start bands because they NEED to, to survive.
the kids that live and breathe raw music. that claw there way to the middle and are content having 40 kids at their shows.
the kids that dont need MTV to tell them that they're any good.
the kids that write what they feel and hope that someone else can relate, and get high off of the kids screaming and dancing to their songs, and that's all they need to survive. all they need to know that they're not alone. because there's all of these kids all over that can relate. that look up to them. and that's all they need.

lkajsdhfjhasdhfaskjhdfbye.

i love how as soon as i decide to not let money worry me, my mom tells me that dad's paycheck was really small this month.

what. the. fuck.

everything's falling down and it's really all not that big of a deal but it feels like it is and i dont know what to do.

yeah, not-sleeping is really fucking fun.
=|

shut the hell up.

i kind of dont want to sleep.
ever.
im so dramatic that it kind of hurts. physically.
it's over.
something that has been a part of my life since the 4th grade, is over, and i dont know what to do with myself.
ill probably never read another book, by choice, again.
i know that's not true, but that's how i feel.
i dont know what to do with myself.
im ridiculous.

house sitting. yay.
finally got the internet to work again, and ive been listening to Paper Walls for hours.
i am SO in love.
this cd is amazing.
the 17th cannot come fast enough.

the boards were so amazing tonight.
i just want to live in tonight forever.
i felt like i belonged, finally, and it was just so amazing.
it's so so strange to me how attatched ive gotten to these kids.
i say it all the time, but a little over a year ago i NEVER would have thought i would have been who i am today.
im so different because of these kids. it's so strange.
but i cant imagine myself any other way, really.
i love who i am. and i dont know if i would feel this way without them.
i wouldn't know about soo many things.
i seriously don't know where I'd be or what I'd be doing if i hadn't found that place.

the things that make my night are so rediculous and random.
lex saying i rock her world, and calling me sweetheart.
lauren laughing at something i said and saying ily.
cassie laughing and saying ily.
it's just so trivial and probably kind of strange to them, but i love it, them, and everything.
i have eternal love for these kids.
i will remember this time in my life as long as i live.
♥ ♥